The following is a conversation between Preston and Mookie which took place after the Cardinals loss to the Mets last night.
Mook: What the fuck?
Preston: Huh?
Mook: Goddamn, it's a good thing you are adopted, because your an embarrassment to this family. I mean are you kidding me? I singlehandedly won a World Championship for the Mets, and you can't fucking even look like a Major League Baseball player? I hate you.
Preston: Dad, I'm trying my best, but it's not fair. The pitchers keep tricking me with pitches that move.
Mook: Do you mean a slider, idiot? Let me repeat...YOU ARE A FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUER! Let me put it simply: every single person who watches you play this year KNOWS that you are going to strikeout. You are a worse hitter than Randy Johnson. At least he has a chance to hit the ball. You would strikeout if the ball was on a tee. Actually, I just threw up thinking about you trying to hit a slider.
Preston: Well, So was giving me some batting tips yesterday...
Mook: So Taguchi? Getthefuckout. So Taguchi is a homeless man's Tanaka from Major League III, Back to the Minors.
Preston: Wait...
Mook: No you wait, bitch. Do you realize So Taguchi is 40 years old? Four zero. I know he looks like he is twelve, but c'mon. This guy is the only person who is even near you in the "worst player ever" rankings.
Preston: We were working on our home run trots.
Mook: Is that supposed to be funny? I was watching the game tonight, and John Maine threw you a cockshot rising fastball...a pitch Ozzie Smith could have hit out, and you fucking flew out to the warning track. What the hell happened to you? I guess that air in Colorado and the HGH you were taking made everyone think you could actually hit a fastball.
Preston: I thought I put a good swing on that ball, Alou made a nice catch.
Mook: Nice catch? Do you mean a routine catch? Is that unfamiliar to you? One that you definitely couldn't make. What the hell is your deal with not being able to catch a fly ball tonight too? I'm sure you'll say you lost it in the lights, but you plain dropped it. You disgust me...a 4th grader makes that play. So must have been giving you lessons in the outfield too. I guess the two of you have been sucking each other off during practice. If Tony doesn't cut you tomorrow he's an idiot.
Preston: At least no balls have been getting past me on the ground.
Mook: HA! That's because you mosey on over to the ball like your grandmother is running the bases. Are you familiar with the fact that it's possible to throw runners out during the game?
Preston: I like to watch the runners go from first to third...running is pretty.
Mook: I actually laugh when I see you play now. You're a joke. What's with the stupid do rag? Your mother and I raised you on Long Island. You went to private school!
Preston: It makes me look gansta.
Mook: You look like a fool.
Preston: I gotta go Dad...me and So are going out for sushi and milkshakes.
Mook: Pussy.
3 comments:
sports sucks!
Dave,
I'm finally getting around to responding to some emails/comments, and I read your blog about Mookie and Preston Wilson and almost peed my pants laughing. Sorry I never called you when I was in DC but I was only there for like two days and most of the time was occupied with mostly useless group activities and talking about our feelings. I'll meet you in Georgetown November 10, 2009, if you're still there. Probably at 9:00.
Chap
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