One Nut Kruk

2007-08-04T19:53:00.001-07:00

I'm Back Baby!

2007-08-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

What? We haven't posted in three months?

Goddammit we have jobs people!!! Actually, after a demoralizing lack of support for the blog, we decided to abandon this glorious site. However it's business time,...after being rejuvenated by the re-signing of Ronnie "CUPCAKE" Belliard and Dmitri "The Meat Cook" Young", we have re-dedicated ourselves to the cause of the 2007 Washington Nationals.

Dude. We swept the Reds. Do you know who plays for the Reds? Ken Griffey Jr. aka the greatest player of all time.

Please.

Learn last place teams Reds! I'd like to send a big f-u to all of the piece of shit MLB columnists who said that the Nats would be the worst team of all time. A short list of things worse than the Nats: the Astros, Reds, Rays, Al Queda, Giants, Pirates, and Nicole Richie. And you know what? Hello Florida, the Nats are only 1.5 games behind the fish for 4th place. Ok, so 4th might not be the best place to be in, but give us a break...this was supposed to be the worst team ever.

Expect a post on the Nats trade deadline inaction tomorrow. Tonight, let's give some respect to the real "Major League" team in the major leagues.

A Phone Conversation between Preston and Mookie Wilson

2007-04-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

The following is a conversation between Preston and Mookie which took place after the Cardinals loss to the Mets last night.

Mook: What the fuck?

Preston: Huh?

Mook: Goddamn, it's a good thing you are adopted, because your an embarrassment to this family. I mean are you kidding me? I singlehandedly won a World Championship for the Mets, and you can't fucking even look like a Major League Baseball player? I hate you.

Preston: Dad, I'm trying my best, but it's not fair. The pitchers keep tricking me with pitches that move.

Mook: Do you mean a slider, idiot? Let me repeat...YOU ARE A FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUER! Let me put it simply: every single person who watches you play this year KNOWS that you are going to strikeout. You are a worse hitter than Randy Johnson. At least he has a chance to hit the ball. You would strikeout if the ball was on a tee. Actually, I just threw up thinking about you trying to hit a slider.

Preston: Well, So was giving me some batting tips yesterday...

Mook: So Taguchi? Getthefuckout. So Taguchi is a homeless man's Tanaka from Major League III, Back to the Minors.

Preston: Wait...

Mook: No you wait, bitch. Do you realize So Taguchi is 40 years old? Four zero. I know he looks like he is twelve, but c'mon. This guy is the only person who is even near you in the "worst player ever" rankings.

Preston: We were working on our home run trots.

Mook: Is that supposed to be funny? I was watching the game tonight, and John Maine threw you a cockshot rising fastball...a pitch Ozzie Smith could have hit out, and you fucking flew out to the warning track. What the hell happened to you? I guess that air in Colorado and the HGH you were taking made everyone think you could actually hit a fastball.

Preston: I thought I put a good swing on that ball, Alou made a nice catch.

Mook: Nice catch? Do you mean a routine catch? Is that unfamiliar to you? One that you definitely couldn't make. What the hell is your deal with not being able to catch a fly ball tonight too? I'm sure you'll say you lost it in the lights, but you plain dropped it. You disgust me...a 4th grader makes that play. So must have been giving you lessons in the outfield too. I guess the two of you have been sucking each other off during practice. If Tony doesn't cut you tomorrow he's an idiot.

Preston: At least no balls have been getting past me on the ground.

Mook: HA! That's because you mosey on over to the ball like your grandmother is running the bases. Are you familiar with the fact that it's possible to throw runners out during the game?

Preston: I like to watch the runners go from first to third...running is pretty.

Mook: I actually laugh when I see you play now. You're a joke. What's with the stupid do rag? Your mother and I raised you on Long Island. You went to private school!

Preston: It makes me look gansta.

Mook: You look like a fool.

Preston: I gotta go Dad...me and So are going out for sushi and milkshakes.

Mook: Pussy.

Letter to Jim Bowden

2007-04-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jim,

I write you as an aspiring Major League baseball player. After being a witness to the first two games of the Nationals season, there are a couple things I wish to make you aware of. First and foremost, if the team was located in Annapolis and part of the International League, it would be OK to have minor league players on your roster. Unfortunately, the Nats roster consists of exactly two professionals, Ryan Zimmerman and Chad Cordero. I realize I am stretching the definition of a professional when including Chad, but I won't knock the only pitcher on your roster that can get someone out everyonce in a while. John Patterson is crying somewhere right now. Anywho, the second thing I wish to make you aware of is my future placement on the Major League roster. I am hereby notifying you that I am available for active duty effective immediately. Not only will I beat out a certain Dmitri Young for the position of first base (Nick Johnson aint coming back anytime soon), I will then relegate him to Johnny Drama status as an out of work brother that is the butt of many jokes. Forunately for Dmitri, he already is quite the laughing stock so he will not fall into any type of depression or suicidal mindset that might offset the weaker mind. Here is a little list of Pro's and Con's that the Nationals will receive once I am patrolling the right side of the infield.
Pros:
Since I am from D.C., there will be an increase of 200 people per night at the stadium. After witnessing today's attendance, you would be making double the money.
Cool promotions, plus a feel good story. I have nine fingers thanks to Miller Lite, the possibilities for advertisements are endless (or maybe there are none since I cannot think of any right now, that might be the drinking though also).
You won't have to pay me, I will play this season for free. Leading to more cool promotions (Local free kid?!?), and another benefit of me over Dmitri Young.
I will outproduce Dmitri. This might be a little arrogance, but guess what, it won't take much. I played college ball, hit .350 for my career, set a couple school records, and am 22 years old. Just unfortunately had a little fractured vertabrae my senior year and the DR. told me to kinda lay low for 6 months, or the rest of my life, and that somehow that was a negative in the scout's eyes. If Corey Lidle can operate a plane on a full bill of health while maintaining a sub-5.00 ERA, then I can hit .250. That might have been cold, and not funny (which I am clearly more concerned about).

Cons:
I may or may not be in this to score chicks and not really care about my production, you decide.

You might feel like promoting me right to the majors will leave a bad impression with the other 'prospects' in the minors. Fuck em, they suck anyways or else they would be in the majors on this squad.
So Jimbo, there you have it. If you need to contact me about my upcoming tryout, say a date and location, shoot me a line and I'll be there. If I don't hear from you, maybe I'll just drop into the stadium one day and say hello, get sized up for a uni, and get activated that day.

Regards,
Bear.

P.s. - The next team to be getting a letter from yours truly, the Cards, seeing as they shouldn't be in the market of making people feel better (read the Preston post below).

Men who bone women

2007-04-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

A list of the players who have had sex with the most women in their careers.

10) Esteban Yan. No idea why he's on this list. Sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Sometimes he finds a lot of nuts.

9) Andy Pettite. Puts up this whole "good Christian" performance. I don't buy it for one second. Maybe he thinks he's doing God's work by putting girls on their knees. Give it up Andy, you fool no one. Only God knows how many women you've punished in your long career, but I know its a big number.

8) Ichiro. Small, fast, and crafty. He's got all the makings of a true sex machine. Down to first base in 3 seconds and done with 4 girls in 5 seconds. So fast, he's in and out without anyone noticing. He's also the most recognizable Asian baseball player and there are 1.3 billion Chinese people in the world. Its simple probability, he's had to have sex with at least 500 million of them.

7) Moises Alou. His hands aren't the only thing he pees on. He has dominated the R. Kelly crowd in his major league career. Only difference is Moises isn't stupid enough to video tape his exploits.

6) David Wright. Making his way up this list quite quickly, but he's only 24. Granted, he's been a pro for 6 years now so I'm sure he plowed his way through the Mets minor league system and hasn't slowed down in the big leagues yet.

5) David Wells. A surprisingly high finish for the big guy. Unfortunately, Wells doesn't remember half of them because he was in a black out. That also explains why he finishes #1 on the most STDs list. He doesn't know this, but he had sex with 8 chicks the night before throwing the perfecto for the Yanks. Great night out in NYC.

4) Big Papi. David Ortiz has had sex with every women in the Dominican Republic. He is the lord of all Earth on that island and it pays major dividends with the ladies.

3) Greg Maddux. 333 victories, 433 women and counting. The Chicago years, the first time around, were really good to Greg. The first Cy Young and his first hundred women. He will still probably be remembered for his work in Atlanta, but those southern bells never satisfied his biggest needs. Revived his conquest of the opposite sex in LA with a long line of 6 foot blondes.

2) Julio Franco. First of all, Julio clearly has the biggest penis in the major leagues. No question. His longevity is unparalleled, he has had the opportunity to have sex with groupies in three decades. He was bangin baseball whores when big hair and big bushes were still popular. I'm proud of you Julio. You are a true role model for America's youth.

1) Derek Jeter. As a Mets fan it pains me to admit this, but Jeter has pulled an amazing amount of ass in his career. We all know about the famous people, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, etc, etc. But just think about how much box he's crushed that we don't even know about. Just look at this picture I found. Jeter with 4 random girls. Clearly this situation went down something like this. Derek is walking along the beach when 4 girls approach him and say, " hey we would like to have sex with you." Derek replies, "Sure, lets take a picture first." They take the pic, Derek bones them on the beach and walks away. Jeter clearly takes this title by a mile.

Also receiving consideration: A-rod has great potential, but unfortunately chokes every time the moment arrives and grounds into a double play. Vlad the Impaler, enough said. Frank Thomas, the nickname Big Hurt as a double meaning. Slammin Sammy Sosa. Albert Pujols is entirely faithful to his wife. What a pussy.

David Wright has a huge penis.

2007-04-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

This weekly post will feature a player I would switch lives with. I will outline the reasons why my life is terrible and why theirs are awesome. This week its David Wright.

David signed a 6 year $55 million dollar deal last year. I worked all weekend with the hope that my bonus will be $100 bigger.

I have no chance of having sex with Marissa Miller. David does. By the way, this picture of Marissa Miller is officially the best photo ever taken.

David Wright doesn't want to blast himself everyday he goes to work.

David Wright is 24, handsome, and every woman in New York wants to have his babies. I am 23, fat, ugly and don't have the confidence to talk to any attractive women.

David hit .311 last season. I masturbated 311 times during last season.

Thats all I got for this week. This wasn't that funny, I will try to do better next time. At least I included a picture of Marissa Miller for you to look at.

Next week: Joe Mauer

10 Things I Think I Think John Kruk Thinks

2007-04-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

10. Steve Phillips shaves his nutsack with a spongebob razor.

9. Pinstripes are slimming.

8. Condoms are for pussies.

7. Chicks dig the mullet.

6. Tits are awesome.

5. Dyktra gives good backrubs.

4. That time I made the stripper do the Phillie Phanatic dance was awesome.

3. That time I did the stripper in the Phanatic Costume was even better.

2. Ravich's cologne smells like mashed potatoes.

1. Mmmmmm Hot Dogs.

Breaking News.

2007-04-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

This just in....Mr. Met admits he is gay.

Preston Wilson is the Best Player in the Majors

2007-04-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Preston Wilson is a man of the people. Although he is a major league baseball player, he doesn't rub it in your face. He doesn't make the average person feel like a big piece of crap like that big jerk Albert Pujols. I mean, can the average person on the street hit the ball 500 feet? Hell-no. Can the average person sitting in their cubicle make a diving catch on the first base line? (These are rhetorical questions.) Therefore, everytime Pujols does something great he makes me feel inadequate. However, when I am able to sit on my couch and watch Preston Wilson purposefully swing and miss on a slider, I feel much better about myself. When Preston pulls little league bullshit by not charging a ball hit to rightfield and letting the runner go from first to third, it makes say "Hey, my mom could do that. That's great! My mom could play rightfield for the Cards!" What other player in the majors purposefully tanks so that we feel better about ourselves?

I mean, Preston must be taking notes from the previous advocate for the common man, Neffi Perez. What other reason could there be for a 10+ year veteran to look so bad on so many pitches? During the game last night, I predicted a slider and swing and miss on three different occasions. THREE! C'mon Preston, you slay me! I'm proud of you for being able to say, "hey, I know they are going to throw me a slider, I mean I have been missing them on purpose for 12 years now" and you still swing and miss. You sir, are a genius.

N-A-T-S, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!

2007-04-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

Well, opening day for the Washington Nationals today, and things went pretty much as expected. Not surprisingly, the pitching blew, and our starting centerfielder went down with an injury. On the positive side, Nationals players handed out hats to early-arriving fans before the game. This must have been exciting for the 12 people who were able to name more than two players.

I still am holding out hope that they will be better than the critics predict (which I suppose means they will win at least 65 games). On the other hand, some people are comparing them to the Tigers from a couple years ago when they were letting all of the young guys get experience. Uh....no. The Tigers were playing guys like Jeremy Bonderman, Mike Maroth, Justin Verlander, etc. Also, they had guys like Zumaya in the system. We don't have anyone like that. Chico could be that person, but who knows, Zimmerman is the corner of the franchise, Kearns and Lopez are ok, but nothing too great.

What would I do if I were the GM? Let Larry Broadway play first, let Kasto play left, and throw some of your young pitchers in Triple A and Double A start for the major league team. They might not be any better than Simontacchi and Williams, but who really cares when you are talking about 50 wins or 50 wins.

I also can't believe Bowden traded Bill Bray last year, who was our only decent pitching prospect.

To sum it up...I am super excited that we got Ray King this year (my favorite LOOGY) and I will still be there rooting the boys on, but it's not going to be pretty.

Bernie

2007-02-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

So Bernie Williams looks like he is calling it quits. As a Yankee fan, I grew up with Bernie and it is very sad to see him go. Looking back on it, Roberto Kelly was a chump and although I thought he was legit at the time(I was like 9 and dumb) , Bernie immediately rocked. Some career highlights are winning the batting title in '98, and then having an even better year in '99, not to mention those rings he has all over his hands. I can only hope that he decides to forgoe his music career, which is some pathetic hobby he wouldn't ever have gotten a chance at other than the fact he is a Yankee, and starts boning hot chicks. Perhaps a certain someone who recently put on a few lbs. but we still imagine is a good junk bond. That would solidify him as a Hall of Famer, and give credence to the idea that all Yankee players are awesome at baseball and in life. Then hopefully he returns to the Yanks in one form or another, whether in the booth or on the bench.

In a side note, us Yankee fans can only hope that Jose Tabata progresses quickly, to replace Damon in another two years, and that the Yanks deal Abreu for some more pitching prospects and give Melky some time. Until then, we will be left with Arod and the boys losing in the playoffs. Fucking eh...

Launch

2007-02-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

Whew!!!! The first posting on One Nut Kruk. This officially kicks off the premiere baseball blog on the net. BOOOOOOYAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!