Letter to Jim Bowden

Dear Jim,

I write you as an aspiring Major League baseball player. After being a witness to the first two games of the Nationals season, there are a couple things I wish to make you aware of. First and foremost, if the team was located in Annapolis and part of the International League, it would be OK to have minor league players on your roster. Unfortunately, the Nats roster consists of exactly two professionals, Ryan Zimmerman and Chad Cordero. I realize I am stretching the definition of a professional when including Chad, but I won't knock the only pitcher on your roster that can get someone out everyonce in a while. John Patterson is crying somewhere right now. Anywho, the second thing I wish to make you aware of is my future placement on the Major League roster. I am hereby notifying you that I am available for active duty effective immediately. Not only will I beat out a certain Dmitri Young for the position of first base (Nick Johnson aint coming back anytime soon), I will then relegate him to Johnny Drama status as an out of work brother that is the butt of many jokes. Forunately for Dmitri, he already is quite the laughing stock so he will not fall into any type of depression or suicidal mindset that might offset the weaker mind. Here is a little list of Pro's and Con's that the Nationals will receive once I am patrolling the right side of the infield.
Pros:
Since I am from D.C., there will be an increase of 200 people per night at the stadium. After witnessing today's attendance, you would be making double the money.
Cool promotions, plus a feel good story. I have nine fingers thanks to Miller Lite, the possibilities for advertisements are endless (or maybe there are none since I cannot think of any right now, that might be the drinking though also).
You won't have to pay me, I will play this season for free. Leading to more cool promotions (Local free kid?!?), and another benefit of me over Dmitri Young.
I will outproduce Dmitri. This might be a little arrogance, but guess what, it won't take much. I played college ball, hit .350 for my career, set a couple school records, and am 22 years old. Just unfortunately had a little fractured vertabrae my senior year and the DR. told me to kinda lay low for 6 months, or the rest of my life, and that somehow that was a negative in the scout's eyes. If Corey Lidle can operate a plane on a full bill of health while maintaining a sub-5.00 ERA, then I can hit .250. That might have been cold, and not funny (which I am clearly more concerned about).

Cons:
I may or may not be in this to score chicks and not really care about my production, you decide.

You might feel like promoting me right to the majors will leave a bad impression with the other 'prospects' in the minors. Fuck em, they suck anyways or else they would be in the majors on this squad.
So Jimbo, there you have it. If you need to contact me about my upcoming tryout, say a date and location, shoot me a line and I'll be there. If I don't hear from you, maybe I'll just drop into the stadium one day and say hello, get sized up for a uni, and get activated that day.

Regards,
Bear.


P.s. - The next team to be getting a letter from yours truly, the Cards, seeing as they shouldn't be in the market of making people feel better (read the Preston post below).

Men who bone women

A list of the players who have had sex with the most women in their careers.

10) Esteban Yan. No idea why he's on this list. Sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Sometimes he finds a lot of nuts.

9) Andy Pettite. Puts up this whole "good Christian" performance. I don't buy it for one second. Maybe he thinks he's doing God's work by putting girls on their knees. Give it up Andy, you fool no one. Only God knows how many women you've punished in your long career, but I know its a big number.

8) Ichiro. Small, fast, and crafty. He's got all the makings of a true sex machine. Down to first base in 3 seconds and done with 4 girls in 5 seconds. So fast, he's in and out without anyone noticing. He's also the most recognizable Asian baseball player and there are 1.3 billion Chinese people in the world. Its simple probability, he's had to have sex with at least 500 million of them.

7) Moises Alou. His hands aren't the only thing he pees on. He has dominated the R. Kelly crowd in his major league career. Only difference is Moises isn't stupid enough to video tape his exploits.

6) David Wright. Making his way up this list quite quickly, but he's only 24. Granted, he's been a pro for 6 years now so I'm sure he plowed his way through the Mets minor league system and hasn't slowed down in the big leagues yet.

5) David Wells. A surprisingly high finish for the big guy. Unfortunately, Wells doesn't remember half of them because he was in a black out. That also explains why he finishes #1 on the most STDs list. He doesn't know this, but he had sex with 8 chicks the night before throwing the perfecto for the Yanks. Great night out in NYC.

4) Big Papi. David Ortiz has had sex with every women in the Dominican Republic. He is the lord of all Earth on that island and it pays major dividends with the ladies.

3) Greg Maddux. 333 victories, 433 women and counting. The Chicago years, the first time around, were really good to Greg. The first Cy Young and his first hundred women. He will still probably be remembered for his work in Atlanta, but those southern bells never satisfied his biggest needs. Revived his conquest of the opposite sex in LA with a long line of 6 foot blondes.

2) Julio Franco. First of all, Julio clearly has the biggest penis in the major leagues. No question. His longevity is unparalleled, he has had the opportunity to have sex with groupies in three decades. He was bangin baseball whores when big hair and big bushes were still popular. I'm proud of you Julio. You are a true role model for America's youth.

1) Derek Jeter. As a Mets fan it pains me to admit this, but Jeter has pulled an amazing amount of ass in his career. We all know about the famous people, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, etc, etc. But just think about how much box he's crushed that we don't even know about. Just look at this picture I found. Jeter with 4 random girls. Clearly this situation went down something like this. Derek is walking along the beach when 4 girls approach him and say, " hey we would like to have sex with you." Derek replies, "Sure, lets take a picture first." They take the pic, Derek bones them on the beach and walks away. Jeter clearly takes this title by a mile.

Also receiving consideration: A-rod has great potential, but unfortunately chokes every time the moment arrives and grounds into a double play. Vlad the Impaler, enough said. Frank Thomas, the nickname Big Hurt as a double meaning. Slammin Sammy Sosa. Albert Pujols is entirely faithful to his wife. What a pussy.

David Wright has a huge penis.

This weekly post will feature a player I would switch lives with. I will outline the reasons why my life is terrible and why theirs are awesome. This week its David Wright.

David signed a 6 year $55 million dollar deal last year. I worked all weekend with the hope that my bonus will be $100 bigger.

I have no chance of having sex with Marissa Miller. David does. By the way, this picture of Marissa Miller is officially the best photo ever taken.

David Wright doesn't want to blast himself everyday he goes to work.

David Wright is 24, handsome, and every woman in New York wants to have his babies. I am 23, fat, ugly and don't have the confidence to talk to any attractive women.

David hit .311 last season. I masturbated 311 times during last season.

Thats all I got for this week. This wasn't that funny, I will try to do better next time. At least I included a picture of Marissa Miller for you to look at.

Next week: Joe Mauer

Bernie

So Bernie Williams looks like he is calling it quits. As a Yankee fan, I grew up with Bernie and it is very sad to see him go. Looking back on it, Roberto Kelly was a chump and although I thought he was legit at the time(I was like 9 and dumb) , Bernie immediately rocked. Some career highlights are winning the batting title in '98, and then having an even better year in '99, not to mention those rings he has all over his hands. I can only hope that he decides to forgoe his music career, which is some pathetic hobby he wouldn't ever have gotten a chance at other than the fact he is a Yankee, and starts boning hot chicks. Perhaps a certain someone who recently put on a few lbs. but we still imagine is a good junk bond. That would solidify him as a Hall of Famer, and give credence to the idea that all Yankee players are awesome at baseball and in life. Then hopefully he returns to the Yanks in one form or another, whether in the booth or on the bench.

In a side note, us Yankee fans can only hope that Jose Tabata progresses quickly, to replace Damon in another two years, and that the Yanks deal Abreu for some more pitching prospects and give Melky some time. Until then, we will be left with Arod and the boys losing in the playoffs. Fucking eh...

Launch

Whew!!!! The first posting on One Nut Kruk. This officially kicks off the premiere baseball blog on the net. BOOOOOOYAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!