Letter to Jim Bowden

Dear Jim,

I write you as an aspiring Major League baseball player. After being a witness to the first two games of the Nationals season, there are a couple things I wish to make you aware of. First and foremost, if the team was located in Annapolis and part of the International League, it would be OK to have minor league players on your roster. Unfortunately, the Nats roster consists of exactly two professionals, Ryan Zimmerman and Chad Cordero. I realize I am stretching the definition of a professional when including Chad, but I won't knock the only pitcher on your roster that can get someone out everyonce in a while. John Patterson is crying somewhere right now. Anywho, the second thing I wish to make you aware of is my future placement on the Major League roster. I am hereby notifying you that I am available for active duty effective immediately. Not only will I beat out a certain Dmitri Young for the position of first base (Nick Johnson aint coming back anytime soon), I will then relegate him to Johnny Drama status as an out of work brother that is the butt of many jokes. Forunately for Dmitri, he already is quite the laughing stock so he will not fall into any type of depression or suicidal mindset that might offset the weaker mind. Here is a little list of Pro's and Con's that the Nationals will receive once I am patrolling the right side of the infield.
Pros:
Since I am from D.C., there will be an increase of 200 people per night at the stadium. After witnessing today's attendance, you would be making double the money.
Cool promotions, plus a feel good story. I have nine fingers thanks to Miller Lite, the possibilities for advertisements are endless (or maybe there are none since I cannot think of any right now, that might be the drinking though also).
You won't have to pay me, I will play this season for free. Leading to more cool promotions (Local free kid?!?), and another benefit of me over Dmitri Young.
I will outproduce Dmitri. This might be a little arrogance, but guess what, it won't take much. I played college ball, hit .350 for my career, set a couple school records, and am 22 years old. Just unfortunately had a little fractured vertabrae my senior year and the DR. told me to kinda lay low for 6 months, or the rest of my life, and that somehow that was a negative in the scout's eyes. If Corey Lidle can operate a plane on a full bill of health while maintaining a sub-5.00 ERA, then I can hit .250. That might have been cold, and not funny (which I am clearly more concerned about).

Cons:
I may or may not be in this to score chicks and not really care about my production, you decide.

You might feel like promoting me right to the majors will leave a bad impression with the other 'prospects' in the minors. Fuck em, they suck anyways or else they would be in the majors on this squad.
So Jimbo, there you have it. If you need to contact me about my upcoming tryout, say a date and location, shoot me a line and I'll be there. If I don't hear from you, maybe I'll just drop into the stadium one day and say hello, get sized up for a uni, and get activated that day.

Regards,
Bear.


P.s. - The next team to be getting a letter from yours truly, the Cards, seeing as they shouldn't be in the market of making people feel better (read the Preston post below).